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recent conversation with a (male) friend got me thinking about the many unnoticed sacrifices that a woman makes as a mother and wife. Yes – they are her children and she will do anything and everything for them – but it amazes me at how little a man can understand or sympathize with her position.
We were discussing the very public divorce of a wealthy corporate man who had to give his stay at home ex wife millions of dollars on the basis of her new “accustomed lifestyle” based her on husband’s great success. My friend felt that this was unfair since it was “his money” and she was not entitled to it. “It’s not like someone put a gun to her head” to be a stay at home mom and wife. He felt that the way the court system divides the marital assets is in favor of the many “gold diggers” out there. I stopped listening after this last comment as a strange panic took over me. I found myself thinking about my own life and the “choices” I had made. I myself am a stay at home mom to two wonderful boys. Although I am very grateful to be able to stay at home and raise my kids – this discussion made me think about the invisible “gun to my head.” I chose to be at home, not because I am not qualified to work, and especially not because I am lazy. I have made this decision because having been a single mother in a previous life, my skin crawls at the thought of having to leave my children at another day care or with a nanny. So yes, there is no physical “gun to my head” and I have happily and graciously accepted this new role – but I would argue that there certainly is an invisible gun. Is it really my own choice and decision? Therefore all future burdens or consequences that result from it are mine to bare alone? Or is it a decision that my husband and I have made together for the betterment of our familial unit?
For any male readers that might stubble upon this article I offer this scenario. The woman in this story will be called “your sister” to really hit it home to you.
Your sister meets a wonderful, ambitious man, they fall in love and get married. Although she is a college graduate, has a decent job, and is fully capable and willing to work, they start a family right away and decide that it would be best for her to stay at home with the kids. Over the years, Her husband focuses more and more on his career (determined even more so now that he is the only breadwinner) and becomes quite successful. They have a wonderful home, and all the financial security one can hope for. They have three wonderful children and your sister devotes her life completely to providing a good home and upbringing for them. Both parents ripe the benefits of having three happy, confident, and well adjusted children. Although she sometimes thinks about her old career and about what “could have been” had she continued working, she is happy to have the opportunity to spend all her time with her children and husband.
Exactly 10 years into their marriage, they have an unfortunate falling out and decide to get a divorce. Your sister gets joint custody of the children and nothing else. Her husband argues that she chose to stay at home while he worked hard to earn everything he has and that “no one put a gun to her head.” Terrified for her children and her future, your sister heads out to find work only to discover that her degree and work experience are “dated” and no one wants to hire someone that has been out of the work force for 10 years. She gets a job at the local mall and struggles to make ends meet while her ex husband enjoys the same lifestyle he enjoyed before the divorce.
If you are reading the above scenario and thinking that ‘your sister” is just a fictional character then it’s time you pay closer attention to all the single mothers out there that find themselves in this exact situation. Not because they are lazy or not qualified – but cause they sacrificed their careers and educational advancements for the love of their family. Is this a situation that one would wish for their own sisters or mothers? It amazes me how much lack of respect we have for a mother’s love and devotion. How we punish a woman for putting her children and family over her own career, success, and security.
From early childhood, I was taught that the only person one could truly depend on was themselves. Having been raised to be independent, it’s even scarier to realize that what I consider “ours” is really just “his.” My reward for this is knowing that my children are at home with me and I am there to witness and enjoy their many wonderful moments throughout the day. This however comes at a great cost to my own future and security – especially knowing that the world still does not understand or see the invisible gun to my head.
The Universe Guru
*Above picture is my own: My babies.
You know the age old saying “it takes a village to raise a child…,” well I have become a newfound believer. And it has hit me harder since I made the move from Chicago, IL to Greenville, South Carolina. I consider myself to be a fairly “private” person – yes even with my blog, facebook account, and twitter page – so allowing others into my child’s life has been a challenge to overcome. But I’m glad I made the transition.